Nom, Nom, Nom...

Holy shit friends – its’ been exactly 128 days since I’ve had the gumption to update The Modern Uncle. But boy, rest assured that it hasn’t been from a lack of doing anything cool, or getting important things done, or not having a ridiculous amount of fun! Come on – that just wouldn’t be me. So, I was thinking to myself this morning as I drank my cup of Folgers ‘Black Silk’ (thanks Shellie) with a dash of hazelnut creamer, turned my computer on, and fake started my busy day – today would be a good day to refresh The Modern Uncle. After all, we are all Uncle’s in some way shape or form. I mean, come on, what better day to be refreshed, then on ‘Fat Tuesday’? The day of over indulgence – what’s crazy is that ‘Fat Tuesday’ is actually related to a religious Holiday? Yea, right? In Catholicism, it is the day before ‘Ash Wednesday’ – the day before ‘Lent’ starts and people ‘fast’ and give up things like ‘meat’ on Friday. I remember having to do that shit – not eating ‘meat’ on Friday – so Friday was always ‘Fish and Chips’ from the ole’ VFW. Ahh, good times in Flinttown.

Anyway – I digress. I’m not really sure where to start off. I mean shit – I promised jumping out of planes – check. I promised DIY Man Cave shit – check. I promised Adventure & Debauchery – check. I suppose one of the larger and life changing things that has happened in these past 128 days was my divorce finalized! It only took a year! Wow – jeez folks – just say no! Life is much less complicated when you don’t have a self-made drama queen in your life and unrealistic expectations to try and live up to. Anyway – the most important thing is that I’m awesome – I’m kicking, and I love my life right now. Thanks to all those who supported me – that’s the last it will ever be on the pages of The Modern Uncle.

I venture to say that I have got more done in the last 128 days then the last 8 years. I’ve traveled probably once or twice a month – now, I don’t mean to fucking Australia friends, but locally for sure. Did some snowboarding and shit – wicked fun. I got this twig in my head to build a man cave in my garage – so it’s pretty much built! Boom… I will detail the pain staking and extensive process of undertaking this type of construction in the up and coming weeks.  I swear I’ve been through 8 sets of used furniture – seriously. Some went to the Man Cave – I’ve kept the semi –not stupid looking sofa couches for now – but they all don’t recline and they are a stupid old people blue color. Whatever… The time will come – for now they work. Once I have updates of the kitchen remodel – you’ll be the first to know.

So, lots to do. Between my actual real job, school, friends, socializing, debauchery, and my hottie – I’ve got to keep this thing up and running. No problem – hopefully my guest contributors will contribute something, anything, ever…  Fuck – I’m going revoke your writing privileges. I’m also going to start a Modern Uncle Facebook page… Maybe people will think The Modern Uncle is so cool, I’ll get paid for it. Highly unlikely – but guess what – so is life.

Talk soon,

-Billups

It doesn’t have to be nuclear... Everytime...

Small steps are usually all that is needed to welcome change and/or change your surroundings, ideals, thoughts, etc. It could be as simple as picking up a book, or subscribing to a few magazines. So far, Travel & Leisure is full of win. How about a getaway in Europe for $244 a night – not bad right? The key to travel though is follow-through. Well, that’s just about the key to everything though. With fall fast approaching (and/or here depending on location) vacationists try to find awesome deals. Antigua sounds nice about now…. And the Resort deals are fantastic… So – what are we waiting for?! No really – I want to go…

Sometimes, though, change requires drastic measures, ideals, thoughts, and follow-through. Take Operation Dominic for example – a classified series of upper-atmosphere nuclear explosions lead by the Defense Atomic Support Agency back in the 50’s/60’s. These tests (approx 115 in total) were in direct relation to the mounting tension IE; COLD WAR between the United States and Russia. It required drastic follow-through… On July 9^th, 1962 Starfish Prime (its classified designator) detonated successfully approximately 250 miles in the upper atmosphere over the Pacific Ocean. The detonation caused an electromagnetic pulse which was far larger than expected… It also caused something beautiful to the eye… An Aurora illuminated much of the Southern Pacific for days after the event…

We don’t always get to choose how life goes or how change comes our way… But we are absolutely in charge/behind the wheel of how we deal with that change – with those events – nuclear or not. Frequently a change or even the idea of a change can cause us to lose focus of the here and now – our present dealings/our present mind… Just recently change affected (for a few moments) my goal of here and now thinking… We all have those days. But today is another day and I’m not a million miles away anymore – I’m right here enjoying what I have, my friends, the people I love, the people who love me, and knowing that everything that happens, happens for a reason. Furthermore, not only do things happen for a reason, but those things are ALWAYS good things – it may not be immediately apparent to me now, but it will be.

So, enough of all this talky talk bull shit – It’s f*cking Halloween this weekend friends…!!! In my opinion, this is more of an adult “holiday” than for kids…. Mostly because Halloween has turned into a great excuse to drink, party and it’s a damn wonderful excuse for beautiful women to dress slutty and sexy without remorse or conscious. Boo yeah. So it seems there are going to be many a parties this year – I’m going to be gladly tagging along to a few of those with no remorse. I will drink too much, I will stare too much (yeah I’m talking to you), perhaps fondle too much (don’t worry, I’m a sexy Priest), have an amazing time, and take lots and lots of pictures… Then I will give much anticipated details on the events that transpire this weekend… That is if I can recall them… But that’s what pictures are for – memory joggers… Right?

 In the name of the father, and the son, and the holy….

-Billups

How to Dress the Part...

I’ll tell you how to socialize – then throw a party. No need to pay the bar-keep. I am the bar-keep. If you want to pay me – that’s cool too. Often times though I don’t accept money… Use your imagination. There isn’t a need to explore aimless bars and “hipster” activities, then find fake friends who like playing the part… In my world, those are “friends of convenience” – wonder why those “friends” aren’t “friendly” anymore – true friends aren’t out of convenience.

 When you’re a part of a great social network – everyone supports each other. So, as Boston John says, “what time is the cancert?” Its’ a Friday night and what better to do than listen to your buddy(s)’ wicked band at a local bar for happy hour? Absolutely nothing.

So, Friday starts off with a long morning from a long night before… Something to do with fourth degree likes… Anyway – short day at the office because I’ve got to prepare for an after party at my Casa… After all, what better way to be a Modern Uncle than to host an after party after happy hour? Boo yeah. Keg ordered. The Captain will be there and so will the all important veggie tray and cheese/cracker tray – done and done.

The Casa is pristine – but it always is now that I don’t have to pick up other peoples’ shit. The ZoMonster is prepped – I’ve asked her not to embarrass me… Music – check. Chairs – check. Hot little lady(s) – check. People who show up 4 hours late – check. This is going to be fun.

What often happens after numerous cold beers, social pressure, and a crazy multitude of beautiful people is what I will refer to as a “keg stand.” I think most everyone knows the term. It still amazes me how keg stands can get the crowed pumped – ready for more. It also blows my mind that I meet people to this day who have never done one…  But that’s what I’m here for. I’m here for you. I’m here for you to experience new things – think new ways and to life live to the fullest. CHECK.

Why rock a tie with jeans? Think you have the balls to pull it off? If you do and you do it right – you won’t regret it – I promise new experiences. Think confidence. Know confidence. Gleam confidence. Rock confidence and dress the part.

Like it to the 4^th degree,

-Billups

Oktoberfest, Panties, and No Panties...?

The key to getting into somewhere fast is to know the right people – or pretend to know the right people. See – when arriving to an event that boasts 5K+ visitors/partiers/drunk people and is secured in a military facility The Modern Uncle doesn’t “wait” in line at the gates. No, no, no friends – The Modern Uncle approaches the situation with confidence and awe in his ability. IE; find the Senator’s people, strike up conversation, and move in with the official party. Done and Done. Thank you.

The problem with German beer is that it is too God damn potent. Its’ so good – that before you know it, you’ve sucked down  4 x 24oz. Steins of Oktoberfest and you can’t stand up. That’s how good German beer is friends…… And then God gave The Modern Uncle The Dirndl…. If I have to explain what a Dirndl is to you – you = FAIL and are banned from LIFE.

Shall I explain further?

 And one more because I can...

What we seemed to realize right away was that panties are NOT required. Yes – you heard me right. It seems that the Dirndl of today (and the wearer of such clothing) has morphed into a free spirit, sexy, who-gives-a-f*ck attitude. Who needs panties, right?

I don’t often drink German beer, but when I do – I prefer to drink it at Oktoberfest.

Mmm Mmm Good.

-Billups

Wheelbarrows and Bottom Lines...

When a piece of important information is presented to you – or is asked of you – The Modern Uncle always has to take that second look. What does it mean? What does that information mean to you or ask of you? Often times – when not understood the information may try and F*CK you. Ask yourself this – am I being F*CKED right now? Or – am I just misinterpreting this information? Maybe the sender was misinformed? Nah – F*CK that. They sent you the information right? Maybe they are just uneducated and/or lazy...

The moral of the story is to ask questions – you’re a smart person – if something doesn’t feel right – it's probably not. Don't be afraid to tell people they are wrong. Don't be afraid to let people know you are much smarter than they may think. In fact, may I suggest this: Laugh it off! Laugh it off as a learning experience and move on - after all forgiveness is the more powerful than most people know. 

Don't believe me? Are you still holding on to that persecution or that grudge or that revenge? Are you carrying around emotional bricks? Let it go. Say it out loud. Tell that person – “I forgive you.” F*CK them – it’s not for them friends – it’s for you! Try it out like you try out a new pink sock massage or a new and expensive wine – jump into that shit head first. Afterwards, laugh with friends, have some fun, and clean up.

Playzo,

-Billups

Tacos, Beer, & The Boom Stick...

The secret to cooking Modern Uncle Style tacos is the meat marinade. Brown the meat – throw a pinch of Lawry’s Seasoning salt in the pan – dash some McCormick’s steak seasoning on top, stir. In the meantime, open a Newcastle Brown Ale drink two drinks. Splash a dash in the marinade sauce pan – drink two drinks.

Now, you see, I gather fresh herbs and spices from the desert before creating my marinade – often times having to deal with a rattlesnake or two. It is imperative that fresh ingredients are used – that is if you want your guest(s) to come back for a quick taco meal ever again. So here I am – gathering and cutting/pulling herbs and spices from the earth. I’ve got my back pack – I’ve got my gardening tool in my left hand – frosty beverage in the other. My companion – we’ll call her ZoMonster – is riding in my satchel. I look down as I pull the last batch of red peppers, oregano, and cumin from the ground. I look up quickly and see a rainbow. Holy shit – its’ a double rainbow – and its’ all the way across the sky!! I don’t know what it means… What does this mean? I don’t give a shit – so I gather my ingredients and proceed to mix my marinade…

Have you ever missed something so much – its’ like wow – I missed this? How do you deal with it? The Modern Uncle deals with it one way – never lose those thoughts/images/emotions – keep them close – use them to your advantage. Grow from them. Reflect on them. Prepare for that something to reappear… Then when the time comes you are ready – you are ready to rock the shit out of that something you missed so much… Whatever that may be…

Four-hour marathons are usually held for runners or cross country skiers. It’s not just that staying up late, drinking and socializing is what we do – but how about sweat dripping, open mouth breathing, heart-pumping, adrenaline pulsing, muscle tensing/cramping marathons? Really? Yeah –really. It’s not just up-hill – its’ downhill – its’ sprints – its’ fast walking – its’ walking – its’ crawling – its’ lunging – the pace never stays the same. It can’t stay the same – you have to make sure that different portions of the body are used and worked out properly so that the intended effect is created… So god damn it – make some tacos, drink some beer, socialize, and be sure to use your boom stick properly when in a marathon.

Boom……. Boom……. Boom……..

-Billups

Whatever you do - Don't FALL OUT HERE...

So, on a Class V river things can get out of control quickly. Especially at 0800 hrs when you are still recovering from the drinking that ensued the night before. Hold on tight – make sure your foot is stuffed firmly between the rubber thing in front of you, hold on to your paddle, and listen to your guide. Mostly though – whatever you do – don’t fall out at this rapid – here, at this precise point where the rapid starts to devour boats and people. But what kind of fun and adventure would this be without any action? Someone always has to fall out – at the clear-cut point – when you have no right falling out of a rubber boat in a Class V rapid. Awesome – panic ensues. I know someone is gone because I feel feet fly over my head, however I can’t see sh*t because of the 5 foot wave of white water encompassing our boat. We dip up and over – I look back and see our floater – drastically grasping for the boat in the middle of this rapid. I look forward and see most everyone laughing their asses off – it is oddly hilarious to see your boat mate grasping for life in the midst of panic and confusion. Safety is achieved however – laughter ensues – STOP laughing! Forward 4 – GO.

When an opportunity arises – you have to grasp it! That’s what I’m doing. No regrets. “You want to go white water rafting?” Hell yes I want to go white water rafting and I make it happen. What’s the next adventure you say? Sky diving – yeah – you heard me right. I’m going to jump out of a god damn plane… Oh F*CK ME. But – I’ve been given the opportunity so guess what – I’m going to take it.

And so should you.

Stay frothy,

-Billups